Invader Pez and The Magic Flaming Pie of Kalamazoo
by Invader Pez
Summary: A Brief Intermission is up, while I work and slave over a hot computer to create another chappy as wierd and flat-out stupid as the rest! Please read and review my other stories, too! I needs my praise!
1. Before we Begin...

** Small note from the author (God, to the characters herein): I'm just beginning my pathetic attempt at a fanfic, so...PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF PIE AND ALL THAT IS CHEESE, DON'T FLAME ME! Thank you. That is all.**  
  
And so, for your pleasure and edification, I present to you:  
  
Invader Pez and the Magical Flaming Pie of Kalamazoo (Michigan)  
--Who they are, what they are, and how they happened to meet--  
Coming soon!  
  
Pez: More like whenever she gets off her lazy a--  
Pie: PEZ!!  
Pez: I was GONNA say arse, sheesh...  
Pie: Right.  
Moi: Cool it, you two. Save the weirdness for the first chapter. 


	2. The Insanity Commences

Chapter 1: The Insanity Commences

From The Diary of Invader: Pez

            Oh, the Tallest of the Tallest has surely blessed me. I've finally been recognized for my superior skills as a pilot and a Gunner. I have been chosen to assist fellow Invader Zim on his mission to conquer the Planet Whose Name No One Dares Speak. Of course, I KNEW that the Tallest would have to forgive me for that little mishap in the Massive…anyone could have accidentally pushed the "Don't push this" button by accident and blown a 5 foot hole through the hull. Besides, we only lost ONE Irken. A minor setback. 

            But anyway. 

            I have been supplied with the most advanced of Irken technology. This is not to say that it was as blatantly stupid as my soon-to-be superior Zim's GIR unit. I'm not an imbecile. I just waited until I was given my ship, the Megh model, and quietly modified its computer systems so I wouldn't have to listen to it scream Irken profanities at me and sing what it called "The Doom Song."

            Now, I am ready to move out. My Tallest have given me the coordinates, and no small amount of well-wishing. I knew they'd forgive me. Everyone forgives Pez. No, wait. INVADER Pez. Ohh, yeah, that rolls right off the tongue, don't it?

** Aboard Pez's fairly roomy Megh Gunship, Six months later **

            "Ahhh, this is the way it's supposed ta be; all alone on a long trip to an unknown world in the most advanced Irken gunship to date. Yup, just me and nobody else. All alone. It's all about the Pez…FOR THE LOVE OF HEIGHT, I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS MISERABLE CRATE!!"

            Just before Pez could go into her third psychotic episode of the day and spout garbled song lyrics and junk food slogans, the Megh's computer blipped and said, "Closing in on specified coordinates." Pez stared at the red lettering on the screen, the reflection of a blue planet with swirls of white reflected in her orange eyes. "Oh, thank the Tallest. Eew, I bet the inhabitants are all grotesque and diseased. And they probably don't have that drink I like, either."

            Pez snapped out of her trance. "Computer, give me the name of this miserable little ball of fffffilthy…grr…filth."

The ship's computer blipped once again and "Planet Earth" was its response.

            Pez scowled. "It even has an ugly NAME." She grumbled, then commanded the ship to track Master Zim and find a suitable landing space as close by as possible.

            The ship landed between the house on the left of Zim's and the one next to it, squeezing tight between the two buildings. The sound of metal being slowly torn apart was so loud and high-pitched that it made Pez grind her teeth until they cracked and broke. "Aw, spledge it!" She managed to crawl out of the ship, a pile of empty soda cans clanging on the ground as she did so, along with a large amount of half-eaten snack foods.

            Pez picked through the various disguises the ship's computer offered her, finally deciding on a simple wig, contact lenses, and a long black leather jacket and dark green t-shirt ensemble. She entered the capsule-like pod and screamed in extreme pain as it felt like her skin was being grafted off by a rusty cheese grater. She emerged from the pod, looking like the average semi-goth child, including the evil scowl and the extensive vocabulary.

She continued muttering profanities under her breath as she took out the little draw-a-picture-and-put-the-drill-in-the-ground-and-it-makes-the-building-you-drew thingy© and quickly made a house much like Zim's, except it was colored in such bright greens and blues that it could strike a person blind (and it did; the mailman got there just as the sun hit it. His eyes are just this nasty bubbly goop in the sockets now. But that's neither here nor there). She dove behind a light pole and clung for dear life as the drill-thingy© did its work and made an earthquake that made California seem like the calmest piece of land ever set foot upon.

After her new base was created and the shaking had stopped, Pez scampered inside and sat on the overstuffed leather couch. "Now THAT…was easy." She picked up a remote control and turned on the TV, lazily watching a cartoon show that made no sense whatsoever to her. When an emergency news report came on, she decided now was as good a time as any to get to work, leaving the TV on. "…Sources say no one was hurt in this freak earthquake, but seismologists are baffled as to what caused it, being the second quake to hit this city in the last year or so…"

She headed into the kitchen and stepped onto a rug that said "I wish I was taller so I could look down at you and laugh," and the section of the floor descended down into the base. She busied herself by getting out her personal junk and unloading the bare essentials she'd brought along. Her blazing orange eyes suddenly got as big as dinner plates. "OH NO! MY MISSION IS IN JEOPARDY! BY ALL THAT IS TALL!!" 

The digital voice of the computer spoke up. "What seems to be the problem?"

Pez fell to her knees and raised her arms up towards the ceiling, letting out a cry that sounded strangely like a dog howling. "I DRANK ALL THE SODA!!"

She then got up and walked back to the elevator. "Computer, take me to the bathroom. I gotta go like you wouldn't BELIEVE, boy-howdy."

--To be Continued--

Will Pez ever get her soda fix? Will her mission be a total, complete, miserable failure? Will the author ever stop asking stupid questions and start writing more in the chapters? 

In order: Maybe, probably, and You bet you sweet bippy. Just as soon as hell freezes over and is invaded by flying vampire pigs while monkeys crawl out of your pants. Or my school releases me for the summer. Whichever comes first. Do me a favor and review this, would ya? I need feedback if I'm gonna keep writing at all. But that's just what you WANT me to do, isn't it? You're plotting against me, aren't you?! IT'S ALWAYS ME! WHY is it ALWAYS me?!


	3. Sweet salvation!

Chapter 2: The Horrible Skool of Horribly Unimaginable Horror

            *BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* 

            Pez jumped off of the couch and went straight through the ceiling, screaming all the way, and landing in a heap on the floor in front of the couch. "Ooooh, I really don't think my legs are supposed to bend that way…MAN my squeedily-spooge hurts." She sat up and rubbed her throbbing skull, looking at the clock on the wall. "Computer! What'd you wake me up for?! I was having such a lovely dream…I was surrounded by soda cans, and I went to Sodaville and the citizens all worshipped me…" 

            The computer beeped. "Forgive me, but Invader Zim has just left his base and is proceeding that way," pointing a cable with a claw on the end of it out the window. Pez frowned. "Where's he going?" The cable made a motion like a shrug and the computer let out an 'I-don't-know' grunt. 

            "Figures. If you want to do something, you have to do it yourself." Pez got off the floor and dusted herself off, then went to put her disguise on before she went outside. She rubbed hard at her eyes, "Stupid scratchy lenses! If I wasn't deprived of my energy-supplying soda, I'd doom you! But not now. Away I go!" She ran down the street, her coat flapping in the wind making the Irken insignia on the front of her shirt visible. Pez eventually found Zim, but he was too far ahead of her to catch up to him before he went inside a large building. 'Skool?' Pez thought. 'What the bleg is Skool?' She started to follow Zim inside when a voice called out after her. 

            "Hey! Who are you?" Pez turned to see who spoke, and found a human in a dark coat and blue shirt. He had an incredibly large head. Pez pointed at herself. "Yeah, you! I don't think I ever saw you here before. And you're even greener than Zim! You're an alien! One of those…Zim…race…thingies!"

            Pez faltered for a minute, then scoffed. "You're weird. I'm just new in town is all. And Zim's an Irken, stupid." The human boy walked up the steps and stared at Pez suspiciously. "Yeah, well, you're just lucky I've got to go to class right now, otherwise I'd question you exhaustively and tear that cruddy wig of your off your head and take pictures. See ya!" With that, he ran inside the double doors and down the hall. 

            Pez snickered. "I am so smooth." She licked a finger, then touched her cheek. "Tsss!" Then the spot she touched started sizzling and she rolled around screaming for about 5 minutes. 

            --6 minutes later--

            Ms. Bitters stood at the head of the classroom with her typical evil glare. "Class, despite the skool's overcrowding problems and miserable excuse for a budget, we have yet another waste of life in the class. Her name is Pez. Pez, say whatever you have to say and never speak again in my presence on pain of execution." Pez stared at Ms. Bitters for a minute, then favored the class with a sincere smile.

            "Greetings, fellow children. My name is Pez, like your charming teacher said, and I'd like to take this opportunity to say that if you call me Candy, Sweets, or make any other pun on my name, I will tear your face off and feed it to a starved ferret. Thankya, and I'll be here all day." Pez's tone was a cheerful one throughout this entire speech. Ms. Bitters stared at Pez, then sat down at her desk. "What a lovely child." She then started on into her long string of "Doom"s, and everyone largely ignored her.

            Zim was just staring at Pez like the [Insert Irken Deity here] had just sent him a gift. Dib, on the other hand, was staring at her like his brain was about to explode. "How does NO ONE see that she's an alien, too?!" He jumped on top of his desk and pointed at Pez, who was calmly doodling on a piece of paper. "Her skin is NEON GREEN, for crying out loud!!" Ms. Bitters snarled at Dib, and he sat down in his chair. Pez looked at Dib and gave him an evil smirk, holding up a drawing of him strapped to a table with a laser blowing a great big messy hole through his stomach and redefining the meaning of 'wallpaper.'

            Strangely, Dib didn't bother her during lunch.

            Pez wandered through the hallways as an alternative to having to smell the disgusting glop that the lunch ladies called food. She idly considered the best method of approaching Zim and as she turned a corner, a light shone on her face and caught her attention. Moving closer, she made out a large rectangle shape with a slot on one side and various multi-colored rectangular buttons below it. Her eyes grew large, and she nearly burst into tears of joy. The low hum of the vending machine called to her, and the word 'Poop' was branded across the machine, but Pez read it as Salvation.

            Pez finally fell to her knees in front of the machine as her eyes began to water and tears ran down her face, "Oh, thank Height…I…I'm so happy…" She hugged the beautiful, beautiful soda machine, then dug 50 cents out of her pocket and bought a can of caffeine-filled, sugar-flavored happiness.

            Then she started screaming again as her cheeks began boiling from the tears and rolled around on the floor in agony.


	4. Dun duh-duh-DUUUUUH!

Chapter 3: There Was a MISSION, Wasn't There!

            **Recess**

            Pez was sitting on a wall next to the blacktop and watching the children play, noticing a couple of kids comparing scabs and watching intently. 

"Lookit this one on my elbow! It's shaped like Texas!" 

"Looks more like a mushroom to me."

"You're looking at it wrong. Here, look at it this way."

"Oh, NOW I see it! …How did you bend your arm that way?"

Pez grimaced. "Humans are disgusting," she muttered to herself and looked around the playground, her eyes landing on another pair by the corner of the skool. They seemed to be arguing; Pez's favorite entertainment. Especially since the human children usually ended up pummeling each other with blunt objects during arguments. Pez had nicknamed these 'Physical Debates.' She squinted a little and recognized the two as Dib and Zim. Gaz was sitting on the steps beside them, oblivious to reality as she played her GS2. Pez, full of curiosity, hopped off the wall and walked her way over to them.

"…and your head is big!" Zim snapped as he finished a (Pez assumed) painfully scathing insult.

"My head's not big!" Dib retorted. 

Before Zim could reply, Pez walked up behind Dib and chimed in. "That depends. Is the average child's head supposed to be the size of a pumpkin?" Gaz snickered at this. Dib spun around and glared at Pez, then went wide-eyed after recognizing her and jumped behind his sister, clinging to her, pointing at Pez and shouting "THERE SHE IS! That's the other alien I told you about, Gaz! Look at her! LOOK!" Gaz growled. "If your hand is still on my shoulder at the end of this sentence, you will no longer have that hand." Dib let her go.

Pez looked at Zim and saluted him. Zim looked confused but returned the salute. Pez gestured towards her former spot by the wall, "Master Zim, I require a word with you." Zim looked even more confused but started walking. Pez followed him, turning her head to look at Dib before she did so and saying "So long, Paranoid Pumpkin-head," getting another snicker from Gaz.

Zim crawled up and sat on the wall while Pez remained standing, finally speaking. "Who are you? Are you trying to upstage me too? Tell me…" he said, giving Pez a dangerous look. Pez bowed. "My lord, the Almighty Tallest sent me to assist you in your mission to conquer this planet." Zim frowned and jumped off the wall, looking much annoyed. "I require no assistance, for I am ZIM!! Why would the Tallest send YOU, anyway?" Pez stood up proudly. "SIR! I am one of the finest Gunners in the armada, SIR!" she said. Then she smiled stupidly, a smile that was frighteningly similar to GIR's, Zim thought, and said, "My Megh makes pretty fireworks."

**That Night, in Zim's Lab**

GIR was sitting on the floor next to Pez, both of them literally swimming in piles upon piles of squeaky toys of all shapes and sizes imaginable. GIR was laughing giddily and Pez was spouting out the names of the toys as she found them. "Cheese! Piggy! Moose! Taco! Hee hee hee, taco!"

Zim was seated at his computer in that cool curly-pointy chair of his (Man I really want one of those. They's booyaka!), speaking with the Tallest concerning Pez's credibility while trying not to turn a laser cannon on Pez and GIR and blast them into a bajillion teeny tiny little microscopic nearly-not-there pieces just to shut them up. After a few minutes he ended the transmission and turned around to address Pez, only to be smacked full-on in the face by a flying squeaky-cat. Pez and GIR had engaged in a squeak-toy fight, and there were toys littering the floor and a bunch were stuck between pieces of machinery. Zim growled and stood up, constantly ducking and dodging flying squeak toys, and yelled above the insane giggling, "Pez! PEZ!" He got no reaction from her, but GIR did throw a PEZ dispenser at him. 

Zim screamed at a previously undiscovered high pitch and all movement stopped. A single rubber piggy hit the side of Zim's head as he panted for breath, then Pez stood bolt upright and saluted. "Yes SIR!" Zim glared at her as he spoke. "It seems you were indeed sent by the Tallest. I…" he growled and groaned for a second as he tried to say it, "nnyyyrrrraaapologizefordoubtingyou." He said the last part very rapidly, but Pez didn't care, as she'd found something profoundly more interesting.

It was a fuzzy squeak toy, circular, with little wavy edges. The bottom had a gray thingy that ended at the wavy edges and the top was a light brown, with small teardrop-shaped holes in the top colored a sort of goopy-yellow. Pez looked at GIR. "What's this one called?" GIR jumped up and screeched, "OOH! You got a PIE!" Pez stared back at the squeak toy. "Pie…" then she giggled and said it again. "Pie. Heeheehee. Pie! Fun word, pie." Then she hugged the pie and it went 'squee!' She looked insufferable cute as she did this, and GIR said, "It's…so beautiful," as he wiped away a tear.

Zim began to question his Tallests' mental condition when they had decided to send Pez to him.

**Thus is the Pie finally introduced! PIE! Hope you folks like this. I know it's miserably short but so's my attention span and it's also 11:32 PM right now—OOH A SQUIRREL!!

Keep on reviewin' and I'll keep on writin'. If ya gots suggestions, boy howdy I'd sure love to hear 'em, yessir (I'm such a hick.).


	5. A Brief Intermission

A BRIEF INTERMISSION  
  
Okeydokey, I know I've been horribly, horribly lazy. Haven't updated in months, and I apologize.   
School and whatnot. But that's no excuse, I shoulda done at least SOMETHING. O  
h well. I'm back, and soon I'll have a new, wierd chapter for all of you to peruse and vomit on. Yay!  
  
Pez: What?! Why? I think you DESERVE your time off!  
Pie: You're just saying that because you get to drink all the soda you want while she doesn't write.  
Pez: Shut up!  
Me: SILENCE! YOUR GOD COMMANDS YOU!  
Pez: ... Riiiight.  
Me: Um...please?  
Pez: Why should I?  
Pie: Because she can write you out?  
Pez: ALL HAIL THE AUTHOR!  
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter: AS THE PIE BURNS! 


End file.
